Tag Archives: Bill Simmons

Savoring the Victory

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Turner the Boner

The Atlanta Falcons sported a sub-.300 winning percentage on Monday Night Football coming into last night’s tilt with the Denver Broncos. Moreover, Matt Ryan, the most successful QB in franchise history was 0-3 in Monday night games. It’s not just the playoffs, people. The Falcons, as well as their Atlanta sports brethren seem to shrink on the big stage. (Why do you think this blog is called “Coming Up Small”?)

The trend ended last night. For three quarters, the Falcons defense buzzed about, confused Peyton Manning, and swarmed the ball as if it were Tippi Hedren in The Birds. The offense was less impressive early on, leaving points on the field during a first quarter in which the Broncos turned the ball over four times. The score should have been 20-0, at least, at that point, but the Falcons, who might still lack a killer instinct, were only up 10.

Still, they gutted out the win, and the season’s first two games have now featured one outstanding turn by the offense and one outstanding turn by the defense. If coordinators Dirk Koetter and Mike Nolan ever decide to bring it on the same day, the Falcons would have legitimate Super Bowl aspirations.

But, please, can I at least have a second to savor this win?

Michael Turner says, “No.” It took him roughly four hours to go from sealing the game with a first-down run in the last two minutes to getting a DUI 30 miles away from the Georgia Dome. The offense would have killed for that level of efficiency. And I’d guess it takes a substantial amount of moonshine to get a man his size over the legal limit.

What that means for the next few games, I don’t know. But, Jacquizz Rodgers is probably the only football-aware person in (or from) Atlanta who woke up this morning to the news without shaking his or her head.

Add to that my perpetual frustration with the Falcons-related cut downs levied by Sports Guy Bill Simmons. To Mike Lombardi, on last week’s B.S. Report podcast after last week’s crushing of the Chiefs: “You’re not buying the Falcons yet, are you?” And on Twitter after last night’s game, “Atlanta took care of business but left me lukewarm. Night game, up 20-0 at home, get 4 1st half TO’s…and they’re sweating out last 5 mins?”

A win’s a win, Bill. Especially when it comes against probably the best NFL QB of all time, who was 11-3 on Monday Night Football up until last night. Oh, and I’d wager that the Falcons would have been able to handle Kevin Kolb at home, no problem.

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Super Bowl in Four Words

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Sports Guy Bill Simmons encapsulates the Super Bowl with brilliant concision on his Twitter feed. (Posts were roughly four hours apart.)


Super Bowl Forty-Meh

The Pats don't really need another Super Bowl win. For that matter, neither do the Giants.

To borrow (or rather skewer) a line from the post-Camper Van Beethoven band Cracker, “What the world needs now is another New York or Boston champion like I need a hole in my head.”

Ugh. Super Bowl XLVI is like the Bush tax cuts for the sports world. The rich get richer, no matter who comes out on top in this one, folks. (ESPN The Magazine even allowed the two over-publicized cities to shit-talk one another, perhaps forebodingly, via hometown comedians, Artie Lange and Denis Leary.) Though, in the new century, I suppose Boston currently sits atop of the sports town heap, having won at least one championship in each of the four major sports.

To hear Bill Simmons talk about the manner in which the Pats found themselves moving on to the Super Bowl was to hear an entitled fan spoiled from too much recent success. On his B.S. Report podcast from Monday, Simmons says, “That was so much more of a loss for Baltimore than it was a win for the Patriots. … Your watching it going, ‘These can’t be the two best AFC teams. It doesn’t seem right.’ That was probably Houston’s conference. … Maybe [the Pats] didn’t back in. Maybe they just got lucky because of the Houston thing.”

If the Falcons made it to the Super Bowl because their opponent’s bus broke down on the way to the game, I’d be beyond elated. A well-defensed pass and a rushed, hooked kick? I’d probably be excited enough to turnover a car on my own.

Can you even imagine being so blasé about your team making it to the Super Bowl?